I finally got the balls to go out. Out of my room and ask one of my mates about the internet constantly dying, not go outside. That would take a miracle or a woman being interested in me (I am running low on water so maybe it's time I ask someone out again.). The problem stems from too many people trying to use the internet at one time. And too many constitutes any number greater than two. Word? We live in a house with 5 men. Who in their right mind would think "Yeah, they won't use the internet much."? So the internet dies for several minutes before coming back online. This makes playing or doing anything that requires a stable online connection impossible. Good bye League of Legends and every other game I enjoyed to play online.
My roommate says they talked to the landlord about it already and he's not going to change providers because he "gets a deal on the internet". Imagine if I went to a restaurant and ordered a steak and potatoes dinner for 4.99. Great deal, right? Except when the plate shows up, it's just a hamburger patty and a half-baked potato with a block of unmelted cheese on top. Not such a great deal anymore, huh?
The landlord, ever the genius he is, did offer a solution: Don't use the internet very much. I'm not sure if this is supposed to fix the problem or just get us to leave him alone (I'm putting my money on that last one). I just pray this guy isn't a doctor because I can totally imagine this scene happening:
Patient: Doctor, I can't stop shitting in my pants.
Landlord: That's a simple solution, just stop wearing pants. That'll be $200.
Patient: The problem isn't where I'm shitting, it's when. As in, all the time. Can't you give me a prescription?
Landlord: Listen, I became a doctor to make money, not help people. Any solution that causes me to do actual work is out of the question.
To make matters worse, you still have to pay him the $200. That's business as usual in Utah for you.
That's not even the worst part. Sometimes the internet dies because...well, fuck it. Just this Sunday, Father's Day, the internet died with everyone but one person left in the house. This type of problem is rarer but far more serious than the one I described before because it doesn't restart on its own. Unplugging the router does nothing as well. It just stays offline until we call someone down to fix it, which can take anywhere from several hours to several days depending on how busy they are. And you better pray it doesn't break on a weekend (like it always seems to do with us). The company hours are only during Mon-Fri. They do throw two tricks at you by saying they are open on Saturday but they're only there from 9-12, so they might as well not bother. Who the fuck is up that early on Saturday? But, they say, we have after-hours tech support. Well, they say they do, but I have yet to talk to any of them. I always request to talk to them, I get put on hold for 5 minutes before a machine tells me that there is no support. Sometimes I wonder if this is deliberate because there's no way an internet service in America can be this shitty. There has to be someone on the other side doing it for shits and giggles. I've lived on an island in the middle of nowhere for a decade and even there internet was far better than this.
Last time, the internet company had to come out and fix things. Fix things they did but not on the day that the internet broke. I guess they just assumed that everyone in our house went on vacation or were brutally murdered (thanks for caring, assholes). The last time they came out they moved the router into the one room that no one is allowed inside because Mr. Retard throws a shit fit when anyone comes close (Like we haven't already gone inside to repair the router). Worse yet, the wireless capabilities is quite poor, giving me 3 bars most of the time, sometimes 4 if I do my sexy naked dance to the router. Needless to say, I'm getting far weaker internet, less often. So I explained the situation to the guy and kindly asked for him to put the router back in the living room where it once was. He said that was fine but we'd need a 50ft cable coming across our living room from where the access point is. I'm totally fine with that because I hardly ever leave my room. But, like an idiot, I forgot that this is Utah. Nothing is free. He had a cable we could use out in his van, it would just cost money. You heard right, the company is charging us to fix the mistakes they make. This would even be funny on April Fools. Imagine if you contracted a cleaning crew to visit your house and they did their job and, in the process, took a giant dump right in the middle of your family room. And then, when you confront them to clean up the crap they just made, they charge you extra for it because you only purchase the "shit service" not the "shit removing service" and the company certainly can't be blamed for any mistakes they make while on the job. In a capitalist system, this would be the scene where you grab the router and shove it up his ass and bid him good day but, unfortunately, I can't do that because the landlord is in charge of our internet not me. Though he's not as dumb as he seems, he purchased decent internet service for his house.
The problem this time was something a bit more simple. There was a way to reset the router by pressing a button on the back. I would've done this but my retarded roommate through a shit fit when I tried to go into his room to fix it. He locked himself in, insisting that he already tried everything and that I would just have to call the internet company again. That's right, not only did he not let me fix shit, he insisted on forcing me to call the internet company myself to only be told that the solution was what I originally said. What could've been fixed in a minute by me instead needed to wait nearly 24 hours because one person can't handle anyone in his room and is too much of an imbecile to fix it himself. I was tempted to beg the repair man to take me with him when he left.
If you had to create a custom hellhole for me, I would be hard pressed to come up with a worse place than the one I'm living in right now. You know, I hate traveling but I want to travel to all 50 states just so I can say that Utah was the worst state ever I had ever been to and actively lobby for us to remove it from the union, by any measure possible. That's how much I despise this state. Fuck Utah.
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