Crazy in Utah

I've met some weird people in my life. A lot of weird people. But, for some reason, Utah produces a kind of weirdness that would make even the most ardent pro-lifer stop and wonder if abortion is the right answer after all. Here's the pure, uncut conversation I had with someone here. Before you ask, yes, it was a woman (I should commission a study based around finding out what's wrong with Utah women.).

Her: What do you usually do when you get into a bad mood?
Me: Play fighting games or go for a walk.
Her: What fighting games? Exercise is mood-lifting.
Me: I'm playing Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom 3
Her: I used to play X-Men and Bloody Roar 3. But those are supposed to be violent. I liked them. Now I can't.
Me: you can't because they're violent?
Her: That's the rule.
Me: The rule for the house you live in?
Her: To avoid being taken by Satan or one of his demons. You may not believe this, but a demon visited me. They're scary. These habits may have gotten me in trouble: anger, expressing anger, astrology, alcohol, nicotine, possibly caffeine, and not going to church or doing anything religious.
Her: I think Mr. Cobain's after me. We're a bit similar, but I'm turning to God instead of Satan. I don't care what people say.
Me: Kurt? How's he doing? Haven't heard from him in a while.
Her: Not good so far. He's angry, so he made something crash. God will take me before he does.
Me: He should try some anger management classes, I hear they do wonders.

  

Black in Utah E-Book

I'm in the last month of my stay here in Utah. For those of you who are fans of my Derp-Mart blog, that book is going to take a little while longer but, in the meantime, I plan on converting all the entries here into a neat little e-book to be given away for free. At least, I will if Amazon's CreateSpace will let me. If not, I'll just charge a penny or something. I spoil you guys too much, I know. It's cause I'm such a nice dude.

Cutters

There's something special about Utah where people think that they're entitled to cut in front of you in line. Maybe they only do this to me though. "I'm in a rush, got lots to do." They probably think. "What are you in a hurry for? To go home and take a hit on the bong? Yeah, that can wait."

Normally, I don't really mind. I mean, it's just a few extra moments of waiting (and they're right, that bong isn't going anywhere). The worst tend to be the old women(and they're always women) who insist on paying with a check (Do they think debit card's are the devil's plastic or something?). But this time it wasn't just a few extra moments. I headed over to GameStop, I needed a good fighting game to calm my nerves, picked up what I needed and got in line. There was only one worker in the store, helping a group of customers trading in their Xbox and games so I stepped just a few feet behind them in line. Enter Mr. Douche-canoe with his two kids. Seeing the line he thinks "there's no way a nigger's gettin served before me!" he proceeded to the other end of the counter and waits. Now normally this is the part in the story where the worker flips the guy off and tells him to go fuck himself, however this is Utah and line cutting behavior is accepted, especially against Black people (lest we get uppity and think we're equal or some crazy shit like that).

Worker: Can I help you sir?
Sir Douche: Yeah, I'd like to trade in this game and buy this one?
Worker: Ok, let me finish up with this customer trading. I thought you just wanted to buy a game real quick.

Then the worker slid right on back to the other side of the counter to continue with the Xbox trade in, completely ignoring me, the guy who had been patiently waiting these past few minutes.

You might be thinking that I'm nitpicking here and this type of thing happens everywhere all the time but I used to live in Las Vegas, Sin City, some would call it the epicenter of moral depravity and I can't recall one instance where this ever happened to me. And I normally remember things like this easily because I'm a genius but I'm also petty, taking a mental note of people who need to die should I ever gain world domination. 

Warning!

Because I work nights, I tend to sleep during the day but today I was awoken early by the sound of an alarm. Not your average alarm but one of those natural disaster alarms that they play on TV to warn you of an impending tornado, flooding or a rabid Justin Beiber fans.

Naturally, I think I'm going to die. In the final stretch of my stay here, the state has finally decided to come and kill me (I would say that the state will never take me alive but I think that's kind of the point). But all that worrying was for nothing, turns out it was just my roommate listening to his obnoxiously loud music and that's coming from someone who's a fan of the genre.

When I first moved in, I asked what the rules of the house were. Nothing about not being annoying or keeping hookers outside on the street corner where they belong or even illegal activities. The one rule that was given was to not be loud. That's it. We have one rule, just one, and even that can't be followed. 

Here's how crazy Utah is:

Only in Utah is the city north of South Jordan called West Jordan. And there's no North or East Jordan either. Seriously, some simple Utah planner said "Let's put a West Jordan above South Jordan. What about East and North Jordan? Well good golly miss molly, we're not made of money."

So, here's what we should do. We need a fund to build an East Jordan and a North Jordan. Now, I can hear your thoughts "Fel is thinking about doing something nice for Utah? Dear God, he's gone insane." No! We're going to put East Jordan, west of West Jordan and North Jordan south of South Jordan. Why would we do this? So we can point to this as an example of how ass-backwards things are in Utah.

Pop Quiz

You're sitting out on the front porch with the door wide open. Do you:

A: close the door like a reasonable and rational human being.

2: Be a fuckwad and leave the door open letting in an army of god-forsaken insects.

If you chose A, then you're a decent, competent human being who is definitely under-appreciated. If you chose B, you live in my house and I have to ask "What the fuck did you think would happen?!" Seriously, bugs just moved in. I counted 6 flies in the kitchen and I didn't even want to know what was lurking elsewhere in the house. Here's what happens when you live with stupid fuckers. They wanted to be outside so they could smoke but it's too hot to just sit out there. Their solution, leave the door open so the AC can keep them cool. Sure, every ungodly insect in the vicinity will move in but that's a small price to pay for you to get your nicotine. 

Axe would be proud.

I was heading out the door when I saw one of those white dudes sitting the couch. Wanting to be a nice roommate, I tried showing some camaraderie. 

"Sup. Your room too cold to sleep in too?" I asked.
"I don't live here. I'm just spending the night."

...Yeah,  I don't get out of my room much. In my defense, all these white guys look the same: Douche-y.

Does Utah have two mornings?

I was out in the kitchen, eating some breakfast (at 12am because I work early mornings). When my retard roommate walks in. I know, I can hear you thinking "Aren't all  your roommates retarded?". Yes, but this one was born that way.

"What time do you work in the morning?"
"I head out at 2:30." I reply.
"Is that 2:30am or 2:30pm in the morning?"

Proposal

I was proposed to the other day. This is the 2nd time it's happened in my life but this time I actually got a ring, so it's a bit more serious this time. And you'll never guess whom gave me the ring. Remember that uber-conservative, return missionary Mormon girl who has been insisting these past 3 months that we're totally going to go out eventually? Yeah, it's not her.

It was actually the road. Yeah, that thing you drive on. I found a ring while walking to work and, using the 1983 Congressional Act of Finder's Keepers, I claimed it as my own. Now I can already hear the conservative outcry "You can't marry the road. We told you, first it started with gays, then you start fornicating with animals and marrying inanimate objects.". Well, I only have one response to those people "Yes, I can."

Aside from my brother, the road is the only Black thing I've seen in Utah. We're both used to being trodden over (Before you complain, there are white lines on the road and yet no one drives on those.). So we already have that in common. In the first month of living here, I asked out 3 women. Two stood me and one says she really wants to date me and has been saying so for 3 months, so I don't need to tell you that the road is far more reliable than any woman you can find in the state. Whenever I step outside, the road is right there waiting for me (kind of creepy but at least it's consistent), I can't say the same thing about the women. And, the road is far more useful. Can you imagine driving on the side walk? Well, considering how bad Utah drivers are, they certainly can and do. But the road is useful. "But Utah women are useful too." I can hear you say. "They....um, have babies. Propagating the human race, that's important." And it is, until you remember that those are Utah Babies, so they're really just making the problem worse.

I'm sure a lot of you Utah readers are outraged, and not just because I'm a intelligent, working Black guy, thus disproving your theory that we're all stupid and lazy. But I have a very simple solution to that anger. Simply go back in time and relocate your parents outside of Utah before they have you, thus changing you from a Utah Baby to a Whatever Baby. Then, you won't care about what I say about Utah. In fact, you might even see how right I am.

A picture of the ring for those who are curious. 

Bugs

There are a lot of bugs here in Utah, and I'm not talking about the people this time.  But seriously, insects are every where. I'll be walking down the road on the way to work and I'll run into them. Naturally, I have billions of bug bites all over me, sometimes even getting bites on the bites. I'm constantly itching, so people probably think I'm getting a crack craving.

This must be the only place on the planet that has bed bugs in the toilet. I'll wake up in the middle of the night, lift up the seat (yes, I leave the seat down, ladies ;) and see 3 of them scurry around. Yeah, definitely not taking a shit now. 

Mad Man

People from Utah must think I'm always mad. I'm not always mad. I just only go outside when there's no internet and that makes me mad (the having no internet part. Outside is ok, just as long as I'm not out in the sun too long. I'm like mayonnaise, people.). Yes, my internet died again. I think Rocketnext should change their name to Kenny, because that's how often it dies. However, the company was serious about getting our internet fixed this time.

1. The outage happened on a weekday this time, as opposed to a weekend like normal, which meant we didn't have to wait days before calling customer service.
2. The president himself visited our house to fix the internet. That's calling in the big guns. Or it would be if the guy new what he was doing.
3. There is no 3, but a list of 2 seems weird and I don't want to give the appearance that I'm half-assing it on my writing (Even though that's true). 

Now, I'm honored that the president came but I would have preferred someone who knew what he was doing. Now, I'm not ungrateful. He did fix the internet. It's just that it died an hour after he did. Zombieland is the shortest movie I've seen and even that clocks in at 70 mins. Can someone point me to something in Utah that DOESN'T suck? 

P.S. My friend told me there is one thing that doesn't suck in Utah. It's the women. Great, the one thing you were hoping to suck and it doesn't. 

P.S.S. A Utah friend says that his vacuum doesn't suck either. So, two things you were hoping sucked that don't. 

So much for intelligence.

So, I ordered something online. It's shipping from Phoenix, Arizona. So I was surprised to find out that the package is currently in Denver, Colorado. That's 850 miles away. How far away is St George from Phoenix? 400. And the package still needs to travel another 600 miles to get to from Denver to me. 

I expected better from Fedex Smartpost

In a Nutshell

One question I wish people would ask me is this: Condense everything wrong with Utah into a simple mathematical equation. Of course, I'd point out this is more a request than a question but I'd still be more than happy to answer.

Underage drunkard, kleptomaniac douchebag > Stable, employed, non-criminal Black guy.

I was floored to discover that Mr. Aryan Race not only had a girlfriend but that she was Mormon. The guy is the anti-thesis of everything she stands for: No money, no morals, no future. I guess her line of reasoning must be something along the lines of "Sure, he's bad, but he can always improve himself. Whereas you will always be Black, Fel."

God Utah sucks.

Cleanliness

"Is this spoon clean?" I ask.
"Clean as shit, man." my roommate responds.

Ok, does that mean that the spoon is clean or it's as clean as shit, ie dirty?

4th of July

I didn't do anything on 4th of July, so what's this post about? This:

I don't need to tell you that my roommates are, uh, interesting. I think the mentally disabled one (I'm told retard is politically-incorrect, not like that's ever stopped me) has some kind of special powers. Whenever I'm eating, he comes out of his room and says a few sentences and then scuttles back into his room. On the 3rd of July, his "black-sense" tingled so he came out and started shooting the breeze with me.

"Got any plans for 4th of July?" he asks.
"Nope."
"My uncle is having a bunch of people over at his place. He's got this projector and a whole collection of movies on shows. There'll be BBQ and a bunch of fun." I'm thinking this is pretty sweet. I'd love to go. "Sorry, I'll be going to that, otherwise I'd stay here with you." He says, almost as if we're buddies that hang out every day. 

Fast forward to July 5th, same dude, same Black-sense ringing. My roommates have made my fatass abhor eating.

"How was your 4th of July?" He asks.
"As eventful as the 3rd."
"I had such a great time. Saw some movies. Oh and BBQ, there was delicious steak, hot-dogs, burgers." He informed me, as I'm biting into a meager sandwich. I think there needs to be a special place in Hell for these people, where they watch people eat delicious food while they starve.

Random Ramblings

My room is downstairs but diagonal to the front porch so I can hear a lot (unfortunately). Today, I overheard the housemate in charge talking to a friend about how we have standards for who he'll let stay with us. So far we've had:

1. Ex-con who wanted to give me a "Mexican Lollipop" and was the most likely person to rape and kill everyone else in the house.
2. 18-year-old, food-stealing, drunkard who could get everyone in the house arrested if the cops thing we're the ones buying him beer.
3. Obese Housemate who worked "on-the-internet" and yet was adamant about never explaining what he did, which only spells illegal or porn. I was praying for illegal. 
4. Black guy who claims to "work" (like they ever do) at a tech company at 3am in the morning and spends the rest of the day locked in his room claiming that Utah is trying to kill him.

So, where does this guy (who is not shy about sharing his illegal drug stories) draw the line? Well, one of the newer roommates who seemed clean could be a potential pedophile. Oh goodie. All we need now is a terrorist, a satanist and a KKK member and I believe we're owed our own reality TV show.

Feta Please

My best friend recently got me into feta cheese. I've started buying them at the local store for $4.99 but today I walked in and saw a 'New Item' tag placed on the feta I bought. Was it a different brand? Nope. Flavor was the same. Oh, they must be selling more in a container....that's not it. The only thing new I could see was the price, which they uped to 5.99. Maybe the New Item they were referring to was the price tag. That was new.

Night Life

You ever have one of those moments where something so weird and bizarre happens that you have to stop and think "Did that really happen?" You see, I was trying to get some well-deserved sleep, like the innocent guy that I am, but my roommate from the next wall over was busy talking to someone on the phone. The only thing I picked up was that he asked the person to pick something up along the way and some directions (which he had to give a second time because whoever it was got lost.).

When the friend arrived, they began talking loudly, from the outside, inside the house, to the living room and eventually downstairs to his room, right next to mine. The last thing I heard was something about money. And then, loud metal music began playing. And then it hit me, new person who didn't know when we lived, talk about money, loud music late at night in a house where loud music at any time is forbidden. He got a hooker. I definitely wasn't getting sleep any time soon. I grabbed my Playstation Vita and headed up to the living room.

The living room only provided sanctuary for a moment because the noises just kept getting louder and louder. She was screaming, someone was getting spanked (I sure hope there wasn't a baby down there) and in the background the heavy metal that did little to drown out the other sounds. Normally, I'm really good at drowning things out, I did grow up with a louder younger sibling after all, but this is different. No matter how into my game I got, that feeling of uneasiness remained.

2 hours later, things were finally over. At least now I'll finally be able to see what a Utah hooker looks like. I was imagining someone in a dress with a Book of Mormon and I was half-right (about the dress part, for those of you who have trouble putting on pants in the morning). Let me say this, if you're looking for hookers, stay far away from Utah. This chick was so fat and ugly, you'd have to pay me to fuck her. And that's only after I made sure that my medical costs were covered for whatever tests I'd need to take the day after. Worse yet, she was completely rude. Just walked passed me without even a hello. Just because you're a whore doesn't mean you can't be courteous, lady.

I don't know why but my roommate got frustrated with me, because he thought I was being judgmental. Which wasn't completely unfounded, I did judge him. Not for the hooker thing, I can totally get why you'd want that. But for getting someone so hideous. I mean, this had to be a dollar hooker who gave you 75 cents change back. The fact that anyone would waste money on this, it makes me loose hope in capitalism. She had a bigger gut than I did, almost a beer belly, and my ass is way finer than hers (not that I'd let him spank it, so she has that over me). Plus, if anyone should be mad, it should be me. I'm the only one in the house who had no sleep that night and I had work the next day. And I didn't even get any fun out of it. >(

With the internet down again (I just now got it back on Wednesday), almost getting heatstroke and a no-sleep Sunday due to hooker-doing not done by me. This has definitely been the worst weekend ever.

More dead internet

Remember my failed attempts from earlier to contact my internet provider? 15 times, according to my phone. Though, in their defense, I actually got through the first 3 times, it's those 12 other times that the line was disconnected. Turns out they merged customer support with their sister site and are now operating by their number. If you think that they would've contacted us to inform us of this critical change, then you clearly haven't been paying attention. I had to look up the number using my computer at work. Luckily, my boss is pretty chill about internet usage but can I just ask why, out of everyone in the house, I'm the one who had to do this? We could've had this number days ago if any one of the other 4 people in the house, all with smart phones with 4G access, had taken care of this. I finally realize why our landlord gets away with being shit, because no one here cares much for it either. It's like they just decided to give up, though being stuck in Utah, you might be able to forgive them.

Anyway, so I call the new number and asked the rep about the internet outage the company had over the weekend. It was fixed over the weekend and asked if I was sure I didn't have internet. Seriously? I told him we've had issues with the internet before in the past and that we'd needed someone to come out to fix our internet access, having already tried to fix it myself. "No, that won't be necessary." he assures me. Cue 50 minutes of doing a bunch of random shit I know won't fix it before he finally admits that we're going to need to send someone over to check it out. But I'm sure it's all my fault. I should've mentioned to the rep that I wasn't from Utah. "Oh, not from Utah, you say?" I can see him saying. "In that case, you're at least a competent human being. I'll send someone over right away. Sorry about mistaking you for a local dumbass, we don't get many outsiders in our state." Yeah, I can't imagine why. -_- 

Internet died...again.

The internet died this weekend, again. Bright and early on Saturday, but not too early. Just early enough to take most of my Saturday away but late enough that it wasn't in time to call for support. I can only imagine their Saturday hours are from 9:00am to, what feels like, 9:03. I swear, one person comes in, checks just to make sure nothing is on fire and then leaves. Who cares if the internet is working or not. It's the customer's fault, really. If they wanted great, reliable internet service, they should've chosen another provider. The fact that it is now Wednesday and the internet is still down. When I start pining for the days of dial-up because at least shit worked, you should kill yourself with your own intestines internet company owners.

With no internet, I figured I should go outside. Big mistake. Never go outside when you're in Utah. People will say that there's plenty to see. All I saw were boring buildings that you can see anywhere. So I headed to the bank and back, a round trip of a little over an hour. It was tough. I was out of shape, hot, light-headed and a bit of nausea. I didn't realize how bad it was till I got back home.

First of all  it was 115 degrees outside. I had no idea because, like I said, my internet was down and my landlord felt like a thermometer is beneath him. He's in this to make money, not to ensure his tenants can survive, that's our responsibility. My shirt was completely soaked. I looked like I had just jumped in the pool, which sounded great. The only reason I even found out of the temperature was because my friend told me also along with the fact that I almost suffered heatstroke. It's nice to know that when the people of Utah aren't trying to fuck me over, the environment is.