Someone gave me some requests and I'm desperate for any love and attention.
Jogging in Utah while Black
I'm not sure why I got this request. Black people don't jog. We run, most of the time away from the police. And I'm a Black gamer, so I can't run more than 10 feet without feeling like my lungs are going to burst. In fact, just imagining myself running away from the police causes me to sweat.
Ordering Fast Food in Utah while Black
There I was, waiting in line, completely indecisive. Luckily, there were 3 others in front of me. Plenty of time to order. Ok, I'm not completely indecisive, but I'm the only Black person here and I think people would look at me weird if I got some chicken. Maybe I should just act thirsty and get a drink? The buffer of 3 people became 2. Ok, no chicken. Why does it seem like everything on the menu is chicken? Damn Black eyes, concentrate! That was quick, only 1 person left. Think, Fel, THINK!
"Can I take your order, sir?"
****!
"Yeah, I'll have a salad." I ordered.
"No chicken?" the cashier asked me.
"What makes you think I would want chicken?"
"I think we all knew that you were going to order some chicken the second you walked through that door."
"So you think that just because I'm Black, I'll want chicken.
"No. I think you want chicken because you walked into a KFC."
The people behind me, I can hear their heads shaking. One even whispered "He must be high as shit right now."
"Yeah, I'll have some chicken."
"Breast or thigh?"
"I'm Black, my women come with both."
"I'm talking about the chicken."
You see why I hardly ever go outside?
Getting a pizza delivered in Utah while Black
Thankfully, I was blessed with a White voice. So the pizza guys don't know I'm Black until I open the door. Only then does the confusion set in.
"Oh, sorry for bothering you, sir. I must have the wrong address."
"No, you have the right place."
"No, this isn't a BBQ Chicken pizza, this is sausage."
"That's what I ordered. I love putting big pieces of meaty sausage in my mouth." I say and wink at him. Which causes him to drop the pizza and run away. Free pizza with no coupon required. At least, that's what I thought would happen. The guy winked back and invited himself in. Luckily, he left after I paid him. Can you imagine if I had no money?
"So, I don't have any money to pay for this pizza."
"Oh, I can think of a different way for you to pay for it."
My friends would never let me live that down. Even at my funeral, one person's eulogy would include that nugget.
"I think we all remember that time when Fel turned gay to pay for a pizza. We knew he was Black but who would've ever guessed he was such a hardcore Jew as well."
And everyone would laugh and laugh. Thankfully, I'll be dead because the shame would've been too much for me.
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