Proposal

I was proposed to the other day. This is the 2nd time it's happened in my life but this time I actually got a ring, so it's a bit more serious this time. And you'll never guess whom gave me the ring. Remember that uber-conservative, return missionary Mormon girl who has been insisting these past 3 months that we're totally going to go out eventually? Yeah, it's not her.

It was actually the road. Yeah, that thing you drive on. I found a ring while walking to work and, using the 1983 Congressional Act of Finder's Keepers, I claimed it as my own. Now I can already hear the conservative outcry "You can't marry the road. We told you, first it started with gays, then you start fornicating with animals and marrying inanimate objects.". Well, I only have one response to those people "Yes, I can."

Aside from my brother, the road is the only Black thing I've seen in Utah. We're both used to being trodden over (Before you complain, there are white lines on the road and yet no one drives on those.). So we already have that in common. In the first month of living here, I asked out 3 women. Two stood me and one says she really wants to date me and has been saying so for 3 months, so I don't need to tell you that the road is far more reliable than any woman you can find in the state. Whenever I step outside, the road is right there waiting for me (kind of creepy but at least it's consistent), I can't say the same thing about the women. And, the road is far more useful. Can you imagine driving on the side walk? Well, considering how bad Utah drivers are, they certainly can and do. But the road is useful. "But Utah women are useful too." I can hear you say. "They....um, have babies. Propagating the human race, that's important." And it is, until you remember that those are Utah Babies, so they're really just making the problem worse.

I'm sure a lot of you Utah readers are outraged, and not just because I'm a intelligent, working Black guy, thus disproving your theory that we're all stupid and lazy. But I have a very simple solution to that anger. Simply go back in time and relocate your parents outside of Utah before they have you, thus changing you from a Utah Baby to a Whatever Baby. Then, you won't care about what I say about Utah. In fact, you might even see how right I am.

A picture of the ring for those who are curious.